Freaky Families Read online

  But three of the Grannies did not know how to drive, and that cancelled out the one who did. “I don’t know how to drive, dear,” said Supergranny.

  So Erg was forced to trot along the pavement beside Supergranny. They kept passing people Erg knew. Not one of these people spared a glance for Supergranny. It was as if they saw pink-haired super-women every day. But every single person stared at Erg, and Erg’s pyjamas, and the huge teddy bear. Erg tried to keep an expression on his face of a boy playing woad-stained Ancient British convicts, who had just slain a fierce teddy bear. But, either that was too hard an idea for one face to express, or Erg did not express it very well. Almost everybody laughed.

  Erg was glad when they reached the park and found it nearly empty, except for some girls on the swings.

  Here, Supergranny seemed to forget they had come to look for Emily. But that did not help Erg. Supergranny led him over to the slide and the swings. “You play, dear. Slide down the slide, while I rest my poor feet.” She sat heavily on the nearest park bench.

  Erg tried to defy her. “What if I don’t slide down the slide?” he asked.

  “Awful things happen to little boys who disobey,” Supergranny quavered placidly.

  Erg looked her in the steely eye and believed it. He leant the teddy against the steps of the slide and began bitterly to climb up. He knew that when he got to the top, the girls on the swings would see him and laugh too.

  But when he got to the top of the slide, everyone had left the swings except one big girl. She was such a big girl that she had to swing with her legs stuck straight out in front of her. Erg sat at the top of the slide and stared.

  That big girl was Emily.

  Unbelievingly, Erg craned to look over his shoulder. The big yellow teddy bear was still leaning against the steps of the slide. Had the invention perhaps not been a prayer-machine after all? Erg looked hopefully over at the park bench. Supergranny still sat there. Her pink head was nodding in a super-doze.

  Erg flung himself on the slide and shot down it. He shot off the bottom and raced across to the swings.

  “Emily!” he panted. “What happened? Where did you go?”

  Emily gave Erg an unfriendly look. “To have lunch with my friend Josephine,” she said. “Dear brother,” she added, and stood up against the swing ready to shoot forward on it and kick Erg in the stomach.

  “Oh, be nice, please!” Erg begged her. “Why did you go?”

  “Because you were so horrid to me,” said Emily. “And then when I opened the front door, Granny Three was outside heaving a teddy out of her car, and I couldn’t face her. I hate Granny Three. So I hid behind the door while she went to give you the teddy, and then I ran round to Josephine’s.”

  So the teddy had come from Granny Three. It was all a terrible mistake. It was a natural mistake, perhaps, because Granny Three had never been known to give anyone anything before, but a mistake all the same. And to make matters worse, Supergranny had noticed Erg was not sliding. She sprang up and came scouring across to the swings, calling for Erg in a long quavering hoot, like a magnified owl. It was such a noise, that people were running from the other end of the park to see what was the matter.

  Erg watched her coming, feeling like a drowning man whose life is passing before him in a flash. The prayer-machine had been working all along, he knew now. He had not asked it to turn Emily into a teddy-bear, but he had asked it to send her away, and it did. It had not needed blue water. It had made the washing keep the Grannies busy without. It was the chopstick that did things. And, like all such things, Erg saw wretchedly, as Supergranny pounded towards him, it gave you three wishes, and he had used all three. He had no way of getting rid of Supergranny at all.

  Emily stared at the vast, running Supergranny. “Whoever is that?”

  “Supergranny,” said Erg. “She’s all of them, and she’s after me. Please help me. I’ll never be horrible to you again.”

  “Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” said Emily, but she let go of the swing and stood up.

  Supergranny pounded up. “There you are, Emily!” she hooted. “I’ve been so worried!”

  “I was only in the park,” Emily said. “I think we’ll go home now.” She was, Erg was interested to see, nearly as large as Supergranny.

  “Yes, dear,” Supergranny said, almost meekly. And when Emily picked up the teddy and gave it to her, Supergranny took it without complaining.

  They set off home. “How are we going to get in?” Erg whispered to Emily. “She’s locked us out.”

  “No problem. I took the key,” Emily said.

  Halfway home, Supergranny’s feet began super-killing her. She came over super-faint and had to lean on Erg and Emily. Erg had to stand staggering under her huge weight on his own while Emily fetched out her key and opened the front door.

  “Good Lord!” said Emily.

  The hall was full of dirty clothes. Dry dirty clothes were now galloping and billowing downstairs. Wet dirty clothes were crawling soggily through from the kitchen. Emily shot a horrified look at Supergranny and went charging indoors to catch the nearest pair of dirty jeans. She tripped over the invention in the middle of the floor. She fell flat on her face. Crunch. Crack. The egg-beater rolled out from one side in two pieces. The chopstick rolled the other way, snapped in half.

  “Ow!” said Emily.

  The clothes flopped down and lay where they fell. Supergranny’s mighty arm seemed to disentangle itself between Erg’s hands. It was suddenly four arms. Erg let go, and found himself surrounded by the four Grannies, all staring into the hall too.

  “Get up, Emily!” snapped Granny One.

  “Oh, Erg!” said Granny Two. “Out of doors in pyjamas! You are growing up peculiar!”

  “I shall take your teddy away again,” said Granny Three. “Look at this mess! You don’t deserve nice toys!”

  “Let’s have a nice cup of tea,” quavered Granny Four. A thought struck her. She turned pale. “We can do without sugar,” she said faintly. “It’s better for us.”

  Erg looked from one to the other. He was very relieved, and very grateful to Emily. But he knew he was not going to enjoy the next three days.

  “I shall take the children for a lovely day at the seaside tomorrow,” said Auntie Bea.

  The children felt miserable. Auntie Bea was huge, with a loud voice. She had been staying with the Pearsons for a week then, and they all felt crushed and cross.

  “You needn’t bother to drive us, Tom,” said Auntie Bea. “I can easily go by bus.” This was Auntie Bea’s way of telling Mr Pearson he was to drive them to the seaside.

  Mr Pearson looked very cheerful. “Isn’t that lucky? I have to take the car for its inspection tomorrow.”

  When Auntie Bea decided to do something, she did it. She turned to Mrs Pearson. “Well, you can help me carry the things, Eileen.”

  Mrs Pearson hastily discovered that she was going to the dentist.

  “Then Nancy will help,” said Auntie Bea. “Nancy’s so sensible.”

  “No, I’m not,” said Nancy.

  “So that’s all right,” said Auntie Bea. She never attended to anything the children said. “Nancy can look after Debbie, and Simon can carry the things.”

  The number of things Auntie Bea needed for a day at the seaside would have been about right if she was going to climb Mount Everest. Mr Pearson helped her pile them in the hall, in twenty-two separate heaps. Auntie Bea was so afraid of losing or forgetting some of them that she wrote out twenty-two labels, each with their names and address on it, and tied them to the bundles. Meanwhile, Mrs Pearson cut up four loaves to make the number of sandwiches Auntie Bea thought they would need.

  “And little jellies in yogurt cups,” Auntie Bea said, racing into the kitchen. “Such a good idea!”

  Mrs Pearson was so glad to be getting rid of Auntie Bea for a day that she made them two jellies each.

  “I feel like a human sacrifice,” Simon said. “How does she think I can carr
y all that and manage Honey as well?” Honey was due to have puppies any day now. Simon was too anxious about her to leave her behind.

  Auntie Bea came downstairs shaking out a vast swimsuit. It was electric blue with shiny orange hearts all over it. Nancy blinked, and wondered what Auntie Bea would look like wearing it.

  “That’s pretty,” said Debbie, who loved bright colours. “I shall make Teddy a swimsuit like that.”

  “I hope it rains,” said Nancy.

  Unfortunately, the next day was bright and sunny. But they missed the early bus, because of Teddy and Honey. Debbie had pinned a scarf around Teddy like a nappy, and she had written him a label too: Deb’s Ted wiv care in Emurjunsy fone Millwich 29722.

  As soon as Auntie Bea saw Teddy, she said, “No, dear. We only take things we need today.” Debbie’s face took on its most mulish look, and the argument only ended when Auntie Bea saw Honey drooping joylessly on the end of her lead.

  “You can’t take him, dear. He might have his puppies at any moment!” Just as Auntie Bea never attended to children, she never attended to whether dogs were she’s.

  The argument only finished when Simon found he could not carry all his bundles, even without Honey.

  “You’ll have to leave the stove and the kettle,” said Mrs Pearson, very anxious to see them off.

  “In that case, we must take plenty of boiled water!” said Auntie Bea. “Think of the germs!”

  So Simon’s bundles were repacked and they set off to catch the later bus. Nancy went first with a light load of: one tartan rug, one carrier-bag of sandwiches, a first-aid box, and a bundle of buckets and spades. Auntie Bea sailed behind hung about with: one folding chair, one striped umbrella, three pints of milk, a bag of sweaters, a bag of suntan cream, a packet of sandwiches, two dozen hard-boiled eggs, a complete change of outsize clothes, three books, and a radio. Debbie trotted behind that with: a bundle of towels, a beach ball in a string bag and a basket full of jellies and cake, with Teddy defiantly sitting in it too. A long, long way behind came Simon. He was not sure what was in the rucksack, nor what was in his other six bundles, but he could see thermos flasks sticking out of one and an electric torch out of another. His knees buckled under it all, and Honey kept tangling her lead around them. Honey did not seem happy.

  “It will serve him right if he has his puppies in the sea,” Auntie Bea said, and counted the bundles to make sure they had remembered them all.

  Nothing much happened on the bus ride, except that Honey threatened to be sick. When they got to Millhaven, it was quite late in the morning and already very crowded.

  “Crowds, germs!” said Auntie Bea, counting everything again. “We should have caught the early bus.” She hoisted up her twelve bundles and set off happily down the steps to the sand, calling, “Don’t bother to help with all this. I can manage perfectly.”

  They struggled after her down the steps and caught her up on the sand.

  “Debbie,” said Auntie Bea, “you take the umbrella. If Nancy takes the folding chair, I can manage perfectly.”

  “No, I won’t,” said Debbie. “It was you who brought it.”

  “Why don’t we stop just here?” Nancy asked.

  Debbie’s refusal brought out the worst in Auntie Bea. She gave a scornful look around at the deck chairs, rugs, and sand castles on the crowded beach, and called out to the man who hired the deck chairs in her loudest, most hooting voice: “My good man, can you direct me to somewhere less crowded?”

  The deck chair man scratched his head. “Well, it thins out a bit up there, ma’am, but you can’t go in the rocks. Tourists are not allowed on the island.”

  Auntie Bea stuck up her head indignantly at being called a tourist and set off at a trot where the man pointed, hooting to the children to come along. They ploughed after her, making zigzags around the other families, who all stared, because Auntie Bea kept turning around and hooting at them. To the right were the lovely white waves of the sea, rolling, folding, and breaking with a joyful smash, but Auntie Bea would not hear of stopping. Honey, on the other hand, would not walk. She had never seen the sea before. All she knew was that it was the biggest bath in the universe, and she dreaded baths. Simon had a terrible time with her.

  Nancy suggested that they stop for the donkeys, and for the swings, and for one of the ice-cream carts. But Auntie Bea just cried out “Germs!” and scudded on. She would not stop until they had left all the people behind, and there was nothing but rocks. There was a kind of road of rocks stretching into the sea and, at the end of the road, an island. It was quite small – only big enough to hold a tuft of trees.

  “The very place!” cried Auntie Bea, and went out over the rocks like Steve Ovett winning a race.

  Honey, for some reason, was even more afraid of the island than the sea. Simon had to walk backwards, dragging her. When he turned around at the end, he found there was a barbed-wire fence round the island and a large notice on the gate: ISLAND ISLAND KEEP OUT.

  There was no time to wonder about that. Auntie Bea was already charging through the trees. Simon dragged Honey past another notice: NO TRESPASSERS, and yet another: TRESPASSERS WILL BE SORRY. By that time, Auntie Bea had stopped and he caught up.

  “I don’t think we ought to be on this island,” Nancy was saying.

  “Nobody’s afraid of three ignorant notices, dear,” said Auntie Bea. “We’re going to camp here.”

  Everyone was too tired to protest. They threw down the bundles and thankfully tipped the sand out of their shoes. Honey lay down, panting. She looked rather ill. Auntie Bea prepared to put on her swimsuit. First she spread the rug out. Then she arranged the chair and the screen and the umbrella to make a sort of hut. Finally, she crawled mountainously in to undress.

  Nancy and Debbie undressed where they were, and Simon tried to do the same. His shirt was stuck to his back by something sticky and smelling loudly of strawberry.

  “I think the jellies have leaked on you,” Debbie said, and crawled over to look at the yogurt cups in her basket. The sun had melted every one, and, in the mysterious way things happen at the seaside, every one was half full of sand. Teddy was soaked in strawberry juice. “This is awful!” said Debbie, and put Teddy on the branch of a tree to dry.

  “Don’t grumble, dear,” Auntie Bea called out of her hut. “We’re having a lovely time!”

  The island gave a curious shudder. It made them very uneasy.

  “Auntie Bea,” said Nancy, “I really think we ought to move.”

  “Nonsense, dear,” called Auntie Bea.

  At that, the island gave a bigger shudder and a heave. It felt as if they were going over a humpbacked bridge in a car. And everything was different.

  There was a strong wind. They were all kneeling or standing on very short grass, shivering. There were no trees. Teddy was hanging in the air above Auntie Bea’s hut. They could hear the sound of waves crashing all around in the distance, from which they could tell they were on another, bigger island. But they had no idea where.

  Almost at once, a hot man in a beret came panting up the green slope towards them. He was wearing a brown sweater with green patches on the elbows and shoulders. “I say!” he shouted. “You lot can’t picnic here! You’re right in the middle of a gun range there!”

  The umbrella heaved. Auntie Bea appeared, looking larger than ever. She had her skirt around her neck like a poncho. “Don’t talk nonsense, my good man,” she said. The soldier stared at her, and at Teddy hanging over her head. He gave a sort of swallow. “We leave here over my dead body,” said Auntie Bea, and dived back inside her hut.

  “That’s just what it will be—” the soldier started to say, when the island once more tried to shake them off – if that’s what it was doing. There was a jerk, and they were on a small rock in the middle of a lake.

  “People don’t order me about,” Auntie Bea remarked from inside her hut.

  There was another jerk, and they were somewhere dark, with water heaving nearby. Honey began
to shiver.

  “We’re having a lovely day!” Auntie Bea asserted, from behind the umbrella.

  The island jerked again, quite angrily, and it was freezing cold, but light enough to see by. There was frost or ice under their bare knees. The frosty space was rather small, and heaving, as if it was floating. The sea was very near, dark green, in frighteningly big waves.

  “This is an iceberg,” said Nancy, with her teeth chattering. “That’s cheating.”

  “How many more kinds of island are there?” shivered Simon. “No, don’t tell me. You’ll put ideas in its head. Good dog, Honey.”

  “Oh!” Debbie shrieked. “Teddy’s gone! I want to go home. Teddy!”

  Auntie Bea, shielded from the ice by her blanket and screened from the view by her hut, called out, “Don’t spoil our lovely day by screaming, dear.”

  The iceberg jerked, a bob of annoyance. They were on ice still, but this time it was the top of a mountain. Instead of water, they were surrounded by clouds.

  “Teddy!” cried Debbie.

  “Lovely day,” repeated Auntie Bea.

  Another jerk instantly flung them into sweltering heat, somewhere low down and steamy. Water bubbled between their toes and brown water slid past a few feet away. Honey growled and Nancy gasped. An unmistakable alligator slid by with the water.

  “I agree with Debbie,” said Nancy. “I want to go home.”

  “Can’t we shut Auntie Bea up?” Simon whispered. “She keeps annoying it.”

  “You’ll feel better when you’re in the water, dears,” Auntie Bea called out.

  Nancy was still shouting. “No!” when they were pitched somewhere cooler, crowded among bushes under a tall tree. There seemed to be a river in front of them, and park railings beyond that. A banana skin fell heavily on Simon’s head. He looked up to find that the tree was full of interested monkeys. Several of them came down to inspect Auntie Bea’s hut.

  To Simon’s amazement, a small boy was staring at them through the railings. “Hey, Mum,” said the small boy, “can I have a picnic on there too?”